I'm sure I must earn some sort of commission for wantonly working a rubbish Wet Wet Wet song into a blog title, will remember to look into that at the first opportunity. However, my endless quest for small considerations aside, I thought it time (it being the end of a lazy, hazy and in and out phasey sort of summer) to confront the mysteries that remain unanswered in my triumphant, heroic and devil-may-care life.
As we hurtle towards my 39th anniversary (the numbers there are pronounced 'look great for your age'), the following are mysteries that remain unanswered. They trouble me, irk me, annoy me and vex me in unequal measure, but perhaps by posting them here the answers will come and I can move forward more aware of the dark conspiracies that have shaped my now. Or at least we can have a damn good laugh remembering.
1) When you say 'prefer you as a friend' - is this some sort of damage limitation exercise? Is my mere presence of discomfort to you and, as such, you want to limit the discomfort to non-sexual contact? Surely my friendship isn't preferable in that it provides a greater sexual high than the love-Dave? I want it on record that I shall be extremely disappointed if it turns out you just prefer me somnewhere else with someone else but you are too bloody chicken to say so.
2) THAT tape - I have one copy, I want to know where the second copy is. Some of you reading this know damn well which tape I mean - not my soberest night, nor my best judged selection of choice tales and phrases. I tell you this though, whilst I have no recollection of what Don looked like, I remember he was on the line that night.
3) Those bloody magic picture things - none of them are anything more than a collection of dots. Is it some great joke I am too stupid to understand? Or are the dots really hiding a substandard representation of a real life object?
4) The Harry Potter glasses phase - why did none of you tell me I looked like a freakin dork for 3 years? I was wearing round glasses, ROUND glasses!!!!! I was a best man in round glasses. Unforgivable fashion advice failings on the part of the rat pack.
5) X-Factor - the attraction is what, exactly? 4 months of endless drivel and brats with vaguely tuneful voices. Give me a break. Seriously, someone enlighten me - what the fractal is the attraction in watching it? 10 people sing a bad song, badly. And then you spend money voting for which of them you want to return the next week to sing someone else's terrible tune, awfully.
6) Big Brother, I'm a Celeb, Strictly, Love Island etc etc etc - rinse and repeat 5)
7) Toby - my beloved first cat, Toby - where did Toby go? It has haunted me for 25 years! Where's my pussy cat damnit! I realise that he would now be 33 and therefore it is unlikely I will find him, but still. And anyone offering unkind suggestions will have a pox on them I say, a pox!
That is all.
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