Love

Some days are impossible to escape without an epiphany. Today is one of those days. I have realised that things simply have to change for me. I've never been good at expressing my feelings to someone, not to their face in any case. Sure, I can write a bit and occasionally find the words in a poem to say how I feel, but I find it almost impossible to translate that into telling someone, to their face, that I adore them.

I'm not sure why it is, I don't know where the reticence comes from, but I have allowed myself to get too comfortable with being single. However, now beset by the epiphany, I no longer have the luxury of hiding from the truth. I enjoy every moment I spend with friends, family, loved ones and all of them, in their unique way, are treasures to me. However, time with loved ones passes, you cannot bask in their joy every moment of every day, and once the time has gone I am left alone. There is something unwholsome about returning to my house and closing the door - an ominous emptiness overwhlems me sometimes. This is not to say I don't love where I live, or my fabulous little house, but more the sense of longing there to be a light shining out when I return in the dark, a kettle on the boil and arms to wrap around me and welcome me home. As daft as it is, occasionally I am disappointed when none of it is there.

I have seen the committment my parents have to one another, and the strange, but magical love of my grandparents. I watched my sister marry with teenage eyes and over the years I have seen dear friends commit themselves to one another at beautiful ceremonies. I am in awe of them all - to find that spark in each other, and to reach out and hold on to it is something wonderful. I cannot explain why I have never thought, even for a moment, of my own nuptials, a day when I do this. It has always just been something other people do, albeit a truly magnificent thing.

I wish I could tell you it was just that I have never met the right girl, at the right time, but that would be rather too glib. The truth is, I do fall in love, I fall in love rather easily as it happens, but I lock myself into a spiral of self-doubt about it. Oh the times I have cursed myself that not a few hours before my jaw had been upon the floor as my heart erupted in joy at the sight of someone and yet I could only smile awkwardly, make a terrible joke and slip away, muttering and mumbling about it not being the time. After a while, you stop trying, because the disappointment gets too crushing.

So, here we are, I am as self-aware as I have been in a very long time and the situation has become untenable. I have to make the change, I have to start taking the risk. Life is a terribly long journey to try and tackle alone, it stretches out before me, off into an unseen land and every step I take alone becomes heavier. I don't mind admitting too, I am just a little bit scared of taking the journey alone, there is so much to share and so little to appreciate properly as an individual. I'll reach out and find a hand to hold mine. At least, in theory, that would be the next move.

All the things I'd do for you

I'd call you in the morning,
Because I miss your voice,
Or whisk you without warning
To destinations of your choice.

When I come, I'd bring you flowers,
And a book about Peru,
We could be there in twelve hours
Give or taking one or two.

And if you need collecting
At all hours of the night
You won't stand around expecting,
Cos I'm always early, right?

On weekends we would wander
Under blue and sun-kissed skies,
Or I'd gaze at you and ponder
The depth and beauty of your eyes.

I'd take you out, carousing,
And wake with cloudy head
Which is in itself arousing,
An excuse to stay in bed.

Oh, if only I could find the way
To tell you to your face,
That when I see you, any day,
My heart begins to race.

The unwritten rules and unanswered questions of life, baby

Mudpuddlin my way through a scorching April afternoon, I found myself pondering the inanities of life. More specifically, the bizarre, grotesque and ridiculous. For so is my wont. It seems to me, in my pondering Pooh Bearish way, that there are unwritten laws in life that need exposing (not to mention, writing). On top of that, there are unanswered questions that require answering. Here are just a few of them.

1) All men in adverts who are involved in a relationship must be facile, gormless and incompetent.
2) Decades become progressively worse from whichever one you were born in, in an even and endless cascade.
3) When someone in a bar or cafe drops glassware, or crockery, then all people forming the subset 'morons' within earshot of the event must cheer, ironically.
4) If you are under 25, you are no more able to appreciate the eighties than I am the sixties.
5) Similarly, if you are under 25 you have no basis whatsoever on which you can blame Thatcher.
6) If I build it, will they come?
7) If you need to ask how it was for her, well that's an epic fail my friend.
8) Where are all the smokin hot single, ready to mingle, thirty somethings I was promised?
9) When it feels tacky and you are inebriated, then start praying for hungover forgetfullness
10) You put bread in a toaster and two minutes later toast appears - where does the bread go to?
11) Why would you be so cruel as to damn me with the label 'cute'?
12) When I look sorry, I usually am. It's a more reliable guide than my tricksy mouth.
13) I don't need you to worry for me cos I'm alright. I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home. I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life, rizz off with your own life and leave me alone.
14) Tomatos should never be in the fridge, seriously.
15) Come again? Is better as an instruction

Two steps forward, two steps back

I was going to write a piece today about the last few days and how I have been under the menacing gaze of the black dog, suffering a bout of the dreaded depression. However, I find the words are too bleak, the sentences too confused and my mood insufficiently recovered to do it the injustice it so richly deserves. So instead, a limerick.

The first thing I spotted in you
Was making me smile when I'm blue.
You make my heart leap,
That's the secret I keep,
And, oh, my love if only you knew!

10 facts that need stating on the record

1) My alcohol tolerance is inversely proportional to my distance in space and time from South Stoneham House (fl 1990-93)

2) I am an appallingly bad liar - I want to get caught, it's fun

3) You can trust me with most things, exceptions include reminding you of something that you are worried you'll forget and if asking me for directions, I am prone to making it up as I go along.

4) I take after my grandfather. He was an enormous wind up merchant. these are facts.

5) There are plans for scientists to probe me and all women in an attempt to find out who is worse at taking a compliment. Odds are shortening on it being me.

6) Greens, roots, carrots, spuds, meat, yorkshires. If you eat your roast in any order other than that, you are one freaky mazumba.

7) You can caveat the question 'which is your favourite reality show' with anything you like up to and including personal injury, my answer will still be 'none of them'

8) Wood beats metal beats plastic. Always.

9) I'll forgive most things once and almost nothing twice.

10) If I'm smiling, that's the time to start worrying.