Wisdom, the benefit thereof

I find myself strangely drawn to the invisibility of a readership. You could be reading this long years after my death from extreme old age/mid-coitus as an example of the genius' early warblings or indeed about five minutes after I have published it as an example of what the idiot has decided to witter on about today. It could even, just possibly, be Monday and snowing outside, anything is possible in the crazy world of blog-reading. However, your multiverse potential existences notwithstanding, I do worry about you, are you really prepared for what's out there? I cannot be sure, so I offer, partly in gratitude for your reading me and partly as a sop to my well-disguised heart of gold and oft-misunderstood good nature, such wisdom as my 38 years, 9 months and 28 days has provided.

1) Weeping willow trees that hang over city rivers (like, say, the ones near the former kebab hut in Norwich) are not 'just as good as a rope for swinging the whole way across'

2) Barbed wire in underground caverns is not something a two year old should investigate too closely. Especially in underground caverns, but especially for two year olds.

3) The signs on mountain roads in New Zealand before a bend denote the maximum speed, not the recommended speed. Arguing about this is pointless, accelerating towards a '20' bend to prove your point is even more inane.

4) You can't hide things from your mother, ever. Well, you can't hide anything from mine, so I presume it's a universal constant.

5) When you're on a date with a particularly foxy girlfriend and an even foxier antipodean waitress blatantly flirts with you, take the ambivalence of the fox as a clear sign of the end approaching and get the waitress' number. Remember, networking in a downturn is the way forward.

6) Best days to not be at work - the day after any X-Factor elimination, the day after a celebrity bust-up, the day after you got drunk and called your bosses bosses boss a King Canute in his earshot.

7) At Uni, there are three basic foodgroups, two of them are Kit Kats and Ready Salted Crisps, the other is measured in % by volume.

8) You can't please all the people, all the time. This is a blessing, at least 75% of them are arseholes and don't deserve pleasing.

9) Smoking really is a filthy habit.

10) When they are laughing at you it's time to move on. That, or get into sociopathy.