Heard on Norfolk cricket pitches

A certain one-time acquaintance of mine, now exiled in Japan, one Oliver Kinghorn recently asked me if I was going to post a blog entry about cricket, which has, it must be said, played a large part in my life thus far. Not being one to let down such a fine fellow as the Kinghorn, I gave some thought as to what I could write about - certainly cricket is not a sport that appeals to all, there are even some daft types that consider it a bit snooty and aloof. They are types, naturally, that have never got roaringly drunk in Norfolk pubs after bad-mannered games of low to medium-division cricket, nor spent an entire weekend being larruped to all corners in a losing cause yet loving every moment of it.

Having thought long and hard, I decided the best approach would be to post some quotes heard on Norfolk Cricket pitches down the years, with a little explanation to each - hopefully, even the cricket uninitiated will appreciate the humour in some of these. I make no apology for being the butt of many of them by the way, as for them to be heard, I naturally had to be present!

I think we'll declare there and have a bowl at you - captain of Kirkley Sports in a hilarious freezing April mismatch with Costessey as they reached 312-3 in 29 overs (of a possible 40). Costessey were dismissed for 22 in front of jeering rugby players still in the bar from the morning match.

How much did you beat this lot by? - Thetford first teamers returning to their club bar where we had played a cup match against their 'A' team - we had won in unlikely fashion (taking advantage of some extreme swing conditions pre-thunderstorm). I have never witnessed such shame on the faces of relatively good cricketers. By now you should be realising that Costessey (pronounced Cossy) are not, always, that good.

That's it Carlos, give him a hernia reaching for it - Bob Ottaway to bowler Carl Ward, putting down his third wide in a row against an immovable opener.

What would your figures be like if you were any f*cking good?? Immortal words uttered to me by a drunken opponent in a Yarmouth bar after I had taken 5-13 in 12 overs.

On another day, we would have easily beaten you - Immortal words uttered by a drunken me to the captain of Ashmanhaugh after losing my first game as captain by 180 runs or so.

Treat yourself to a test match field, you'll never have a better chance - advice of the inestimable Mr Kinghorn to me as we played the Reindeer PH in a friendly. 4 Slips and a gully, sumptuous!

There it is!! - Costessey spinner as the batsman (on 100 plus) put one skywards.

There it goes! - At least 4 members of the team as the same ball disappeared for six over the pavillion.

You have to come back, he dropped it - out of breath Costessey batsman running after his partner, who had nobly walked for a thin edge to the keeper, not realising said keeper had pan-handed it straight to the floor.

You can't bowl that fast to me, I'm in my sixties! - Eaton number 11 trying any old trick to try and survive the inevitable.

Try and win for f.... sake! an exasperated Simon Ottaway at the Costessey tail, tamely surrendering a winning position.

He's such a rabbit I could see his ears dragging over the boundary as he arrived at the square - cruel and unecessary taunting of Carl Ward by an unscrupulous Costessey umpire (who looks a lot like me)

You have 22 yards to land the ball, bloody use them! - Oliver Kinghorn proving he had not lost his charm out at Cantley as a young oaf put down a full bunger.

Some of them were OK, but the rest were pure filth - Young master Kinghorn's eloquent appraisal of a group of girls that had turned up to watch a game.

That's my whole day f***** ruined, then - Jeremy Scarborough having gone for a duck at 2.03 (game commencing at 2pm) and facing 44 and a half overs of sitting about and 45 in the field.

Welcome back, Dave - Mark Rymarz umpiring this year as I played my first game in 3 years (for Rackheath) and launched the first ball bowled at me for four back past the bowler.

How gay is that? - standard Costessey appeal, begun by Chris Gardiner, I believe as a protest at the campness of our appealing.

Good slower ball, Dave - various members of the Ottaway, Rymarz and Scarborough families after I try and bend my back on a delivery - never fails to amuse.

We've got one guy who bats a bit, the rest of the rabbits make a good game pie between them - Optimistic appraisal of our chances at the toss many moons ago.

He's smoking! - Rob Lowe (not that one) with the understatement of the century to Simon Ottaway as Gressenhall's Raven tore us apart on a blistering August day.

Don't bother asking this guy, he gives nothing - Hardingham bowler suggesting to his wicket keeper that my umpiring was frugal and stingy (after rattling our players pads in front of middle)

You don't ask, you don't get - my sage like response

Alright, how was that then?????! - Bowler and keeper decide to appeal

Not Out! - *chuckle*

Away from quotes, a special mention here for some of the silent wonders of cricket-gone-by - from the hypnotic bouncing of the Rymarz twins going out to bat together to younger brother Andy Rymarz's 100 yard run up (including a full stop, vertical leap and delivery). Oliver Kinghorn's gardening at the crease to the extent you could quarry granite out of the wicket after he finished and not forgetting the memorable trips to youth cricket matches in my mashed up old Austin Maxi. Special mentions for Chris Gardiner's car (without which 8 people and the kit would never have made it to games) and the good burghers of Hales and Wrenningham for having amusingly small boundaries.

Happy, happy days.