Turkey Shoot

I thought I'd try a little experiment today. Some time ago I decided to stay single. I wonder, in hindsight, if that were not just a convenient excuse not to have to play the singles game any more. So I promised myself I would come on here and make a post, and I wouldn't think about it in advance. It would just be me, thinking and typing about romance in the sass-filled teenies (or whatever decade this now is) and I wouldn't hold back, or obfuscate. So here we are, and here I go, look away now if you have a weak constitution. This is what I believe they call in the politics trade, a 'courageous' choice.

When I left love and romance behind, for a while I felt like a great weight had been lifted off my shoulders, you see truthfully I never really 'got' the whole thing. Now I don't mean by that relationships in and of themselves, I have had some truly fantastic relationships (and some truly hideous ones), and I can recognise the little voice inside me telling me I am nicely loved up. No, it's the ridiculous posturing and peacockery that precedes love that I cannot abide or understand.

Do I tell you that I think you are beautiful, or do I give some sort of masonic nod and a wink across the crowded bar? Am I supposed to fall in love with you before I disclose my feelings or is that a negotiable part of the whole relationship package? Would you rather not know about my feelings after all? You begin to see the picture.... total and utter neurosis. Let's hang an enormous negative around my neck before I even start. Dave went into administration at the end of his last relationship, he starts the love chase on -15 points. Or something like that anyway.

Notwithstanding all of that, I found it a relief not to be in the game anymore because I am petrified of rejection. I completely understand that there are people out there who don't want to jump my bones for some odd and personal reason, but within the bubble of singledom I can count that as a curio, a weird malfunction in someone that does not swoon at my feet. In reality, I imagine being laughed at, I imagine that my feelings, deeply held and framed in just the right words are greeted with derision, scorn or a simple dismissal out of hand. Feelings deserve better than that, and it would only take one occurance and I'd never have the stomach to brave it again. So I don't, I stay quiet and safe and let the years slip away.

I'm hiding. I have allowed the very thought of the romance game become fraught. It really is a bind, part of me wants to draw a line, start again, have fun learning how to play the game all over again, but then there is the part of me that is just disappointed in myself, angry that I am denying myself a fundamental part of happiness in the human condition. It's a mess, frankly, and I guess I hoped that writing about it on here would be a first step - to where, I am not sure, but somewhere is better than nowhere. Somewhere would be different, different right now would be good.

I'll finish by saying it's not like I have been able (or ever wanted) to give up feeling and falling. That still happens, but I stand back, terrified and full of my neuroses and despite my heart wanting to burst I stay silent. Love is a feeling that deserves to be spoken, and it breaks my heart when I betray it like that.