Under the affluence of incohol

Last night I attended our work's Christmas party. Rather early, but conveniently the day after my birthday. Nice of them to consider me in planning it I thought. Now alcohol was available for consumption at the do, a service which I took advantage of. With maximum prejudice.

At this point, you might think I am about to swing off into a description of horrific behaviour and cringingly embarassing activities, but you would be wrong. Firstly, I would probably not be looking to dob myself in on the very next day (excepting the need to spike stories about to hit the tabloids, but there are none of those), and secondly I was the very model of intoxicated eloquence. OK, perhaps not, but I was well behaved. Or, at least I was better behaved than most some.

However, the unpleasant hum that has accompanied me all day and rattled around my noggin like an angry bee with a hammer has set me thinking. For you see, I have not always been so well-behaved under the influence of the gift called alcohol. For your amusement, these are some of the all-time cringes of all-time committed by a Mudpuddler sans sobriety.

1) The now infamous attempt to utilise a weepeing willow to swing, tarzanesque, across the river Wensum in Norwich. I made it far enough across to get wet to the knees.

2) The bottom end of Burgess Road in Southampton is quite steeply downhill. Well it is when you are drunk and on your way home from the girlfriends, and not paying attention, and on a bike, and then on the floor. Twice that I can remember.

3) Trying to attract the attention of beautiful young fillies in the Waterfront is a noble endeavour. However I can confirm that being sexually suggestive with a curtain and then dancing the dance of the Curtain veil does not work.

4) In a former life as a financial adviser, I used to enjoy our annual sales conferences which were really an excuse to get plastered. However, calling the national sales manager an unforgivably rude word is never a good idea. Worse is having it pointed out he is right behind you. Worse than that is replying with 'I don't care, he is still a ****'

5) The 5am walk home from university balls, every time.

6) Agreeing with your fairly new girlfriend who you are quite keen on that you'll have seperate nights out, and then running into her and her friends when 'tired and emotional' and (I quote) making her sorry she had ever met you.

7) 'Feeling the rhythm' and expressing it through the medium of dance.

8) Winning a cheap stuffed toy at Monte's all day event and presenting it to the girlfriend in Stoneham dining room by 'making it talk and introduce itself'

9) Orgainse an event for several hundred people and announce the headline band when hammered. That one worked well.

10) The curious case of the missing three hours. You know what, let's leave that one unsaid!