Chance encounters

Just for a little light relief this festive season, I have been giving some thought to those odd moments in life when you are reminded of, jogged by or face to face with an ex. Depending on the nature of the break up and any subsequent maintenenace of cordiality/friendship this can range from a pleasant distraction to one of those past-invading-present mind bombs that throw you out of step for a period.

For today however, I am concentrating solely on those realtionships which ended abruptly and that you have lingering issues over. These are the most terrifying of exes to come into contact with, sometimes with an almost supernatural ability to put you off your Whisky Mac. Encounters of this type need to be classified, so that you can tell exactly what manner of encounter you may have had.

Chance encounter of the first kind
The least frightening and most common of encounters with this particular class of Ex, first kinds are much more widespread than you might think. They involve the past ex being brought into the present via the grapevine. You will not experience the Ex directly in these encounters, but will learn of them by word of mouth. An example would be a friend telling you they saw your ex (who for the purposes of this entry will hereafter be known as Psycho) at their Salsa class, or that they have started working at the local supermarket/school/etc. First kinds are largely harmless and nearly always brushed under the carpet after a few wistful memories and (perhaps) a glance at old photographs.

Chance encounter of the second kind
Rather less common than first kinds, second kinds involve a sighting of Psycho without any direct contact being initiated or made. Examples might include seeing them in a shop or the street, or perhaps coming into or out of a pub or club. The degree of effect a second kind will have will depend on the precise nature of the sighting. A sighting of them in the street, alone and with several shopping bags, might have no more effect than a first kind as above. However, seeing Psycho with someone else can lead to unecessary periods of reflection into the nature of this relationship - is this the new girlfriend/boyfriend/significant other. Did they look happy? Even more damaging is this sort of encounter in a place you associate with Psycho - your pub, your club and such like - this can lead to inward turmoil at the audacity of such actions and anger overflowing. On the other hand, a second kind involving Pyscho looking slightly haggard, slightly unhappy or rather fatter than you remember can initiate a mood bounce due to the righteousness of Karma. Second kinds can bring out the worst in all of us ;)

Chance encounter of the third kind
We are really starting to find ourselves through the looking glass here. Third kinds are much rarer, but much more significant than the previous types discussed. They involve a face to face encounter and actual verbal contact with Psycho. They are also the hardest to determine the effect of, as this will depend entirely upon the content of the conversation. However, at minimum, it will involve the necessity of phoining a close friend to tell them all about it, require the opinion of several friends and possibly family members and need to be risk assessed against future plans - will you need to amend your routine to avoid any chance of a repitition, did you tell them anything slightly untrue which needs covering up via the friend network, how current and accurate is your assessment of being 'well over Psycho'? Maintenance of diginity is the trickiest stunt to pull in the hardest and deepest third kinds. However, there are worse things....

Chance encounter of the fourth kind
Truly terrifying, the prospect of a fourth kind has been known to turn the knees of bold men to jelly. Fourth kinds are extremely rare, extremely turbulent and always bizarre. They involve unresolved issues from the relationship being inserted, by you or by Psycho, into a third kind. This can involve any of the following; arguing loudly in a pub in front of friends/new partners/family/amused onlookers, slanging matches in the street, post-argument collapses in the arms of a caring friend, weeks of torturous self-doubt, massive bouts of anger at how unfair the world is or a visit from Psycho's new partner to 'have a chat'. Fourth kinds have the disconcerting effect of bringing out everything you hate about yourself and everything that blights the memory of your time with Psycho. They are almost the worst of a bad set of circumstances, however....

Chance encounter of the fifth kind
You wake, hungover, with only the vaguest memory of last night. From the bathroom comes an unexpected noise of 'someone else', and then into the bedroom comes Psycho, looking immaculate to your rough-as-Beardsley and demanding you immediately discuss how you both ended up here...
My friend, you are on your own on this one!

Take care out there.