I have always fancied myself as one of the great dictators, Neroesque if you will, or Calligulastic. A sniffter of The Sun King with a Napoleonic twang, AngloStalin, PapaDave, you get the idea. Rather than ignore these fantasies, I prefer to indulge them and so I set out below these Proclamations that they may be heard and adhered to throughout the land.
The following condiments are hereby named as enemies of the state
Mayonnaise
Malt Vinegar
Salad Cream
Monday shall be replaced by an optional day which must be taken at least 12 times a year by all citizens under pain of torture
Orange is not only not the only fruit, it is also not the only colour
The decades of my life are cool in the following order cool to drab
The 80s
The 90s
The 70s
The Noughties
That is all.
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