Love

Some days are impossible to escape without an epiphany. Today is one of those days. I have realised that things simply have to change for me. I've never been good at expressing my feelings to someone, not to their face in any case. Sure, I can write a bit and occasionally find the words in a poem to say how I feel, but I find it almost impossible to translate that into telling someone, to their face, that I adore them.

I'm not sure why it is, I don't know where the reticence comes from, but I have allowed myself to get too comfortable with being single. However, now beset by the epiphany, I no longer have the luxury of hiding from the truth. I enjoy every moment I spend with friends, family, loved ones and all of them, in their unique way, are treasures to me. However, time with loved ones passes, you cannot bask in their joy every moment of every day, and once the time has gone I am left alone. There is something unwholsome about returning to my house and closing the door - an ominous emptiness overwhlems me sometimes. This is not to say I don't love where I live, or my fabulous little house, but more the sense of longing there to be a light shining out when I return in the dark, a kettle on the boil and arms to wrap around me and welcome me home. As daft as it is, occasionally I am disappointed when none of it is there.

I have seen the committment my parents have to one another, and the strange, but magical love of my grandparents. I watched my sister marry with teenage eyes and over the years I have seen dear friends commit themselves to one another at beautiful ceremonies. I am in awe of them all - to find that spark in each other, and to reach out and hold on to it is something wonderful. I cannot explain why I have never thought, even for a moment, of my own nuptials, a day when I do this. It has always just been something other people do, albeit a truly magnificent thing.

I wish I could tell you it was just that I have never met the right girl, at the right time, but that would be rather too glib. The truth is, I do fall in love, I fall in love rather easily as it happens, but I lock myself into a spiral of self-doubt about it. Oh the times I have cursed myself that not a few hours before my jaw had been upon the floor as my heart erupted in joy at the sight of someone and yet I could only smile awkwardly, make a terrible joke and slip away, muttering and mumbling about it not being the time. After a while, you stop trying, because the disappointment gets too crushing.

So, here we are, I am as self-aware as I have been in a very long time and the situation has become untenable. I have to make the change, I have to start taking the risk. Life is a terribly long journey to try and tackle alone, it stretches out before me, off into an unseen land and every step I take alone becomes heavier. I don't mind admitting too, I am just a little bit scared of taking the journey alone, there is so much to share and so little to appreciate properly as an individual. I'll reach out and find a hand to hold mine. At least, in theory, that would be the next move.