Mudpuddlin my way through a scorching April afternoon, I found myself pondering the inanities of life. More specifically, the bizarre, grotesque and ridiculous. For so is my wont. It seems to me, in my pondering Pooh Bearish way, that there are unwritten laws in life that need exposing (not to mention, writing). On top of that, there are unanswered questions that require answering. Here are just a few of them.
1) All men in adverts who are involved in a relationship must be facile, gormless and incompetent.
2) Decades become progressively worse from whichever one you were born in, in an even and endless cascade.
3) When someone in a bar or cafe drops glassware, or crockery, then all people forming the subset 'morons' within earshot of the event must cheer, ironically.
4) If you are under 25, you are no more able to appreciate the eighties than I am the sixties.
5) Similarly, if you are under 25 you have no basis whatsoever on which you can blame Thatcher.
6) If I build it, will they come?
7) If you need to ask how it was for her, well that's an epic fail my friend.
8) Where are all the smokin hot single, ready to mingle, thirty somethings I was promised?
9) When it feels tacky and you are inebriated, then start praying for hungover forgetfullness
10) You put bread in a toaster and two minutes later toast appears - where does the bread go to?
11) Why would you be so cruel as to damn me with the label 'cute'?
12) When I look sorry, I usually am. It's a more reliable guide than my tricksy mouth.
13) I don't need you to worry for me cos I'm alright. I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home. I don't care what you say anymore, this is my life, rizz off with your own life and leave me alone.
14) Tomatos should never be in the fridge, seriously.
15) Come again? Is better as an instruction
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