Listen up, Mudpuddlees, this is important. I have come to a shocking realisation over the weekend. I have realised that I have not fulfilled my destiny, my ultimate dream. I am not, yet, an Olympic gold medallist. Now, bear with me, I have good reasons for feeling this is my dream and destiny, I am just too shy to share them with you at this stage.
This begs the quesion, in which disciplines will I concentrate my efforts in order to secure Gold at the London Olympics in a mere 2 years from now? The obvious choice would have been cricket, the one sporting activity at which I have a degree of skill. Two problems exist with this choice however. I do not have quite enough skill (one would think) and cricket is not an Olympic sport. Hmmmmm, this is already proving a tiring quest.
With even my most optimistic hat on, I fancy I would struggle at running events, given that the last time I tried to race someone over 200 metres, I had to stop after about 40 with a pounding heart and dizzy spells. This does not sound like the sort of physique or condition that will pull off a shock over Usain Bolt or one of the other champions. For similar reasons of lack of conditioning I am ruling out endurance equipment events like rowing or cycling and their many derivatives.
I could look at swimming or diving as an option. Certainly it's a good excuse to go for that kinky silky smooth look, match the body to the head and all. Actually, my baldness might be the trick that gets me over the line - look at Duncan Goodhew. There is a minor problem with both of these though, I can't really swim well and I am afraid of going out of my depth in water. Diving in 5 foot of water is (I am led to believe) foolish in the extreme and I have checked and the Olympics committees will not allow water wings or a float in competition. Blast.
The same lack of buoyancy rules out the sailing events, not worth drowing in the Channel for a Gold after all. I am a wide-eyed dreamer, I never said I was brave. Horses? Can't really have two enormous beasts between my legs ;)! We are starting to run short of options here - I think we have to rule out anything involving water, physical exertion and the like as I will be 40 come the games and therefore not in the most prime condition of an admittedly fairly laid back (literally) history of non-exercise. We can therefore also discount badminton and tennis.
What I really require is a discipline that the older gentleman can compete in on equal terms which does not require excessive fitness. I believe, therefore, that it is my destiny to become Olympic gold medallist in Archery, or possible a gun shooting discipline - clay pigeon looks a whizzo laugh but the pistol is lighter and probably less tiring. Two of the items on this year's lists therefore are pne of those competition bows and a sporting pistol to allow me to start practising. I have even compensated for the only weakness I can think of which is my appallngly bad eyesight. Also on the list for this year is laser eye surgery!
So, there we have it - planning for my Olympic glory by asking for the right presents. What's that? The fourth item? Ah, yes, just in case there is a lucky contestant who damns me with a Silver, a set of bowls. They don't have those in the Olympics, but they do in the Commonwealth and they are way easier to strike gold in. Plus I can play that until I am extremely dessicated. Thanks in advance as ever for your generosity....
No comments:
Post a Comment