Sometimes

Sometimes, sometimes, sometimes. It's a word I often think of. Sometimes I feel that I am losing the war against depression. Right now is one of those times. I promised myself I would blog from inside depression, let the words flood out, so that in the future it will remind me what I am fighting and why I must carry on fighting, every minute of every day, no matter how tired or hopeless I feel. Fighting is sometimes all I have left. So here is my blog entry, from inside a bout of depression, a list of all the sometimes that are buzzing around in my head.

Sometimes I reach out because I need to know you are still there.
Sometimes it is so dark the blackness eats the light.
Sometimes I just want someone to hold me.
Sometimes I despair because the road is so long, and I am so tired.
Sometimes I am ashamed of me.
Sometimes, in a room full of laughter and smiles, I feel utterly alone.
Sometimes it hurts so much, I cannot express it in words.
Sometimes I spurn love because I am scared.
Sometimes, when I tell you I am OK, I am lying.
Sometimes the man in the mirror laughs at me.
Sometimes I think no good comes from any of my endeavours.
Sometimes I disgust myself.
Sometimes I envy you, and hate myself for doing so.
Sometimes I don't have the answer, and it scares me.
Sometimes I do, but pretend I don't.
Sometimes the loneliness haunts me.
Sometimes I forget who I am.
Sometimes I want to know where the bottom is, to feel the lowest point, to know it.
Sometimes I lie to protect you, sometimes I lie to protect me.
Sometimes I want to tell you how it feels, but I can't.
Sometimes I cry and I don't know why.
Sometimes the silence hurts my ears.
Sometimes you won't be able to help me.
Sometimes I'm exhausted.
Sometimes the alternative terrifies me.
Sometimes I retreat from the world and compound my problems.
Sometimes I wish I had the words to express how much I care, and yet find myself dumbstruck.
Sometimes I want to start again.
Sometimes I want to run.