Dear Sir,
I write with reference to the upcoming appraisal of my behaviour over the last twelve months. I hope that you will find time to consider the following points before assigning me my final grading for the year. I must also reiterate the concerns I raised last year over the rather arbitary nature of only having two grades for which I can be considered, these being Naughty and Nice.
I would like to say, firstly, that incidents within the car should not be considered. With all due respect to your good self , you are able to travel around unburdened by other sleigh-riders, and cannot possibly understand the hurt and upset caused by the thoughtless actions of other drivers. Additionally, due to the sound-dampening effects of the metal casing, hand gestures are the only right and proper means of communication with other motorists.
Taking the first point then as fully covered off, I turn to the unfortunate incident in the pub. Yes, I did spill his pint and, to be fair, I was also rather transfixed by his wife’s assets (not that he noticed, being preoccupied with the deliquification of his glass). I consider his actions thereafter to be a gross infringement on my liberty from assault, but mostly I am hopeful that whilst he will clearly be rated Naughty, the minor infringements on my part leading up to this will not also penalise me on a knock for knock basis.
I am led to believe that you do not have mind reading powers, or that if you do, you have agreed with my union that these will not be utilised in my appraisal. As such, I would like you to note that all slights, mickey takes and insults thrown on my part are always projected from a position of general affection and fondness and do not reflect negative emotional behaviour by me.
Similarly with what are rather unkindly called ‘lies’ (such an ugly term I think you will agree), I do not have a detailed list to hand, but can assure you that on each of the occasions I appear to have ‘lied’, I either believed what I was saying, felt it was kinder to say what I did than the truth or, frankly, totally got away with it and no harm was done.
I could provide you with thousands of instances of my being Nice this year, but as you know from previous years, I am not good at blowing my own trumpet. I prefer to let the details speak for themselves, but in the interests of even-handedness in the letter I would cite my driving quite slowly near schools and holding doors open sometimes as key examples, and would in fact consider the ‘creative accounting’ of telling some of the girls I know that they look great a kindness, not a naughtiness. I am also a gentle and considerate lover. Or at least I would be, had I anyone to be gentle and considerate to. Most of the time. Probably.
Finally, I would conclude by pointing out I have served no time in prison this year and have no convictions, and no court cases due. I have not caused physical injury to anyone important and I am usually on time for work. I hope you and the delightfully buxom Mrs Claus are well (will she be attending my appraisal too?) and have the seasonal workload planned as ever.
Yours Nicely
Mudpuddlin Man
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